Dear G,

I haven’t worked at this store for about two weeks, but I figured that since I remember your address (I think it’s creepy too!) that I might as well write you the thank you card that I owed you. I didn’t get fired from manners for inappropriate conduct!

First off, I apologize for the lateness of my reply. I have been dealing with a lot lately, it being Memorial Day Weekend and all, and me having to find, and apologize to soooo many German tourists that I drunkenly chased around Pershing Square yelling, “Never Forget!” It was like 15.

So anyway, you bought a phone, right? Thanks for that. Also, if your name isn’t G____, then maybe I’m thinking of an ex-girlfriend, I usually am (also, you’re a man, aren’t you?).

- Mike

Dear P,

I didn’t say this while you were at the store because I’m kind of shy and also under surveillance by my district manager, but I think you’re very pretty. I think that we should get to know each other better. I’ll be at the bar across the street after work today if you want to join me. Of course, you won’t get this for a few days, but then again, you probably wouldn’t show up even if I had told you. You look like another girl that I like, and she shot me down too (but don’t you all kind of look alike?).


Enjoy the phone!

-Mike 

Dear J,

On how many celebrity enemy’s lists would you have to find your name before you started thinking:

“Ok, people shouldn’t keep physical lists like this, it’s weird, but what am I doing wrong that I’m on so many of them? Should I start taking stock in my past actions?”

Obviously you’d laugh the first one off. BTW, don’t mention any of this to Goldie Hawn.

-Mike

Dear K,

What was your first thought at the receipt of this card? Was it, “Oh, what a nice gesture!” (true), or was it, “This is in the garbage right now, and these words haven’t been read.” (probably also true), or was it, “How is that African-American gentlman on the front of the card holding that phone?”

That is not how to hold a phone. Thanks for being a loyal customer.

-Mike

Dear A,

Gold Fish Crackers should come with a real goldfish as a prize. We live in the future„ why isn’t that possible? A little package of water inside the box that houses a guppie, and if the crackers expire at the store, so does the fish.

It’s marketing genius. Kids everywhere will be begging parents to buy them Goldfish Crackers instead of less healthy snacks out of guilt that they would be responsible for the death of an animal. I know more people would buy a phone from us if it meant freeing a dove from the box (that would probably get messy).

So, yeah, get on that, and thanks for freeing a dove.

-Mike

P.S. - Cracker Jacks should not follow suit. That has “To Catch A Predator” written all over it.

Dear J,

I forgot to mention the newest app for your iPhone, the ghost detector. When activated, the antenna sprouts upward and glows when a spirit is present. If you put the phone on silent mode, the signal is cleverly disguised as a call from your mom.

Enjoy your new position as a Ghost-Buster.

-Mike

P.S. - I hope your mom isn’t dead, otherwise this might be in poor taste.

Dear J,

I can’t tell you who I work for because the CIA would totally fire me, but I’ve hidden microfilm in the phone that I’ve just sold you. Here are your instructions.

Go to Rio De Jenero, and rent an apartment in the worst favela that you can find. Wait four(4) months, all the while rebuilding your life through a meaningless job, and equally meaningless one(1)-night-stands. Once you have become background music in the drug-controlled slums of Brazil, you will be contacted with the activation phrase, “I need to use the restroom” (this may be said in Portugese). You will then follow this person into the bathroom, and give them your phone.

Upon completion of this operation, you will be given compensation commensurate with four(4) months of entry level government salary. Medical and Dental will be available if you complete the proper forms to HR, but if you are hurt in the field, Kaiser Permanente will disavow any knowledge of insuring you.

-Mike

P.S. - I’m kidding. No one uses microfilm anymore. I’m a CIA agent (no I’m not), not a public school library. We’ll send you an email like someone who isn’t poor.

Dear N,

I was punched in the face by a girl last night.

It hurt a lot more than I expected.

I might be in love.

Or brain-damaged.

-Mike

Dear J,

Why do people sound cultured when they order in French at a French restaurant, but like jerks when they order in Spanish at a Mexican restaurant?

“Je vais pour le poulet.” (Wow, that guy is getting a second date.)

“Voy a pedir el pollo.” (Geez, buddy, the waiter just spoke to you in English. Trying to show off that you speak another language? No one cares. I hope you pronounced something wrong and accidentally said something insulting and they’re spitting in your chicken…hipster jerk.)

On second thought, people who speak French still kinda sound jerky to me.

I think I might need to travel for awhile (like you can with your quad-band world phone!).

-Mike

Dear Molly,

Thanks for buying an iPhone.

-Mike

P.S. I just won facebook awards.

P.P.S. I just lost facebook awards because you totally want to make me look like a fool for predicting my own victory.

P.P.P.S.

Checkmate. Back in the race.